


Actions Speak Louder Than Words Do

by gokkyun



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Angst, Canon Disabled Character, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 05:04:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4378193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gokkyun/pseuds/gokkyun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Big Boss tries to understand the things that go through Kaz's head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Actions Speak Louder Than Words Do

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not satisfied with this but then again, I never am. Also: titles suck. And so do summaries ...
> 
> Set during TPP. Warnings for slight swearing and a trashy story. Enjoy.

Kaz's mind is a mystery. 

It wasn't always this way. Not at all.

Snake isn't sure how Kaz and him became so close to begin with, how they just suddenly spent hours and hours of talking - sometimes recording their conversations and sometimes deciding it would be better not to - but it happened. 

They started to talk about unimportant things, dumb and ridiculous things even, and then they suddenly talked about important things. The things neither of them imagined to tell anybody, let alone another man. But they do. And they started caring, caring in a way that made their hearts beat and their skins shiver as their lips and bodies touched.

It scared Snake. 

It scared him to know this much about a person, a person just like everyone else and yet unlike everyone else. And yet he let himself slip further into this foreign feeling, into the foreign feeling of deep and sincere care, a feeling he hasn't experienced ever since he became the so-called Big Boss. A feeling he didn't want to experience again, but he did. 

Kaz, however, makes it hard for both of them to hold onto whatever they have established in the past years. It's quite obvious to anyone that Kaz has received not only physical scars in the past years, but no one truly knows how damaged and corrupted his psyche truly is. 

Snake's attempts to find that out proved to be futile. All of them. With every passing day it seems to become harder and harder to read between the words that make it through the flat line of Kaz's mouth, no matter if it's just the two of them or not. But the thing he tells Snake about is not his mental state, but rather his physical state. 

Phantom pain. 

These words leave Kaz's mouth ever so often. It isn't just that he feels nauseous then, but he also describes an unsatisfied need to Snake. The need to touch something with the fingertips that he feels shaking in anticipation even though they aren't there anymore, the need to take a step with the leg that twitches in despair even though it's long gone, the need to simply move his lost limbs. 

But he can't. And even so, Kaz tries it, tries it when he thinks Snake is asleep next him, when he really isn't, watching Kaz's attempts through his slightly opened eye; watches how Kaz's worn-out face turns into a bitter frown filled with self-pity and frustration as he - obviously - fails, despair in the motion of his remaining hand as it lightly brushes over the stump that used to be his arm. 

And it's that frown that makes Snake realize again and again just how broken Kaz truly is, how much of his troubles he's hiding away, even from Snake. Back in MSF days, it was a rare occasion to see aforementioned frown, ruining Kaz's handsome features into what Strangelove once called a "crude grimace". Not too many people see it, however, as Kaz just seems to avoid everyone he doesn't have quarrel with, avoids them so well that Snake sometimes wonders if the other man has a carefully planned schedule for this.

This, however, also happens to influence Kaz in a way Snake wouldn't have even dared to imagine, as the younger man has become more needy and fond of Snake attention than ever. Kaz doesn't admit this, though - or maybe hasn't even realized it. However, it also makes Kaz's mood sink to the lowest point possible whenever Snake and him have a dispute - avoiding not only other people but also Snake. 

 

 

Kaz is currently at that point - once again. The infamous frown settles down on his face as he notices Snake from far away, himself currently busy barking orders to a couple of soldiers on Mother Base's main platform. They leave his side just as Snake steps into Kaz's comfort zone, the older man noticing how the other's eyes narrow while his hand grip his crutch tighter in annoyance. "Don't even speak of it.", Kaz's voice is low, trying to avoid that the guards a couple of meters next to them can hear him. "I told you I have nothing to say. ".

"I think there are plenty of reasons why I should speak of it.", Snake says, his voice careful - and yet there's a certain force in it. "You can't just - do this kind of thing without me expecting some answers.", Snake's gaze becomes vile, angered. "Some answers that are the actual truth.".

Snake wasn't entirely sure if Kaz's frown could become heavier, more irritated and annoyed - until now. "It's not like I wanted you to witness this. Holy shit, just let it go.", says Kaz, frustration building up in his voice. 

"Just like you let yourself go?". Snake's gloved hand reaches forward, slowly letting his fingers trace over Kaz's shoulders before they reach the stump that is left of Kaz's arm, lightly squeezing it. 

"Don't fucking touch it.", Kaz hisses. "What do you want me to tell you?", he continues, loudly swallowing as he looks to his side, Kaz's way to tune down the embarrassment building up in him. 

"You know damn well.".

For some reason, his own words ring in Snake's ears, louder than the strong wind that surrounds them, louder than the waves crashing against Mother Base's feet, just like they did a few hours ago when it was one of these nights again, these nights were Snake couldn't find sleep because of Kaz. 

The younger man's body trembled and shook next to him, unsteady and uncontrolled until he woke up with a wet gasp, trying to catch his breath in a seemingly eternal struggle. Snake didn't say or do anything, except pretending he was asleep. It's what Snake did lately when Kaz woke up like this, body covered in cold sweat - nothing - because it was senseless to do anything. The other man would just deny Snake's attempts to comfort him with the fact that he had but a simple nightmare. And surely it was a nightmare, but from the way Kaz reacted it couldn't have been a simple one.

And then Kaz was at it again, Snake watched with a half-lidded eye as the naked man placed his fingers on his defined stomach, gently tracing his shaking fingertips over it before he lead them to the stump that remains of his arm. Still trying to steady his breath, Kaz's body then moved in an awkward and alien way, trying to move the arm that wasn't there anymore, trying to move his legs under the blanket, of which only one responded to his commands. 

But something was different this time. Instead of simply resting his hands on there, Kaz's fingernails clawed themselves into the scarred skin of his arm in blind anger, a pained whimper slipped past the younger man's lips as his unveiled eyes close, dry lips shivering. His fingers didn't stop at that though, only digging deeper into his flesh, and neither did his whimpers, only growing more frantic and frustrated as tears joined in.

Kaz didn't even stop when Snake's remaining arm was suddenly around him, the younger man's body shaking in fear and despair as he pressed his head into the crook of Snake's neck.

 

 

"It doesn't subside.", Kaz whispers, pulling Snake out of the still fresh memory. A frustrated sigh leaves Kaz's mouth as his eyes are back to face Snake, who takes his hand off him. "The pain, I mean. Not only my limbs, but also my mind. I'm tired of dealing with it even when I sleep.". 

"Then tell me.", Snake replies, a little more anger in his words than he wants. 

Kaz chuckles nervously. "Do you think it's that easy?", he continues, swallowing as he searches for more words. "Have you looked at me? My body is a mess, a useless mess. Do you think my mind looks different?". 

"So fucking tell me.", Snake repeats, voice even harsher, as he steps closer to Kaz, who takes a step back in return, his back almost touching the wall behind them. 

"For what?", Kaz growls. "I waited for you in this fucking hellhole even though I thought you dead. I saw you in front of me so many times, so many goddamn times, because you were - are - the only person I hold onto. And even so, it still seemed unreal when you were truly there, when I felt your warm hand on my face - but you know what?", his voice cracks, Snake not sure if it's anger or something entirely different, "I didn't want you to save me. I wanted to die when I saw the pity in your eye, when my fucked up mind realized how useless I would be to you, to everyone.", Kaz stops himself, biting down on his lower lip, a sigh slipping past as he tries to calm his flustered voice down. "I already see the pity when you look at my body, I don't need to see the pity when you look at my mind.".

Snake isn't sure what makes him snap; if it's the pathetic view Kaz has on himself or if it's the accusation thrown at him. Whatever it is, Snake expresses the excessive amount of his anger by harshly slamming the younger man into the wall behind them. He sees how Kaz opens his mouth in the futile attempt to spit out a protest but Snake interrupts him as his fist connects with Kaz's face, forcefully pressing into it. 

The impact, as well as the harsh pain on Kaz's cheek and the slight sting on Snake's hand, leaves both of them silent, although it's different kind of silence - Snake's silence punishing while Kaz's silence is out of pure shock and confusion, showing further as his crutch drops to the ground next to him, steadying his body's weight against the wall Snake had pushed him against. Kaz's eyes are wide, visible as his aviators are slightly out of place. His gloved hand, slightly shaking, touches the spot right below his eye, flinching in pain as he does. 

Without breaking the silence, Snake turns around, moving away from the spot as if nothing happened. The last thing he hears before fumbling for a cigar in his pocket is Kaz, who angrily shouts at a couple of soldiers to stop staring.

 

 

It's way past sunset when Snake finds himself at the place he enjoys having a cigar the most; the helicopter landing pad on top of Mother Base's main platform. The silence around him is almost perfect, a couple of thin raindrops falling onto and around him, when a louder sound rings into his ears. He immediately identifies them, far too familiar, slow and forceful steps making their way up the flight of stairs. 

Snake doesn't bother to move as they stop, Kaz then silently standing next to him, teeth chewing on his lower lip - and of course the younger man stands on the side of Snake's remaining eye, glancing at him every now and then before they both stare into the cloudy sky, their surroundings lit thanks to the heavy security measurements. Snake takes a drag from his halfway smoked cigar before he gives in and turns his face to Kaz, a soft expression on the other man's face, an expression that has become uncommon for him, even when they're alone.

After a while of staring off into the distance, Kaz opens his mouth, but the carefully selected words are stuck in his throat as his teeth are back to chew on his lower lip. He repeats the first motion after a few more moments of silence. "I think I have become to ... frustrated.". 

"And your frustration is expressed by throwing false accusations at me, hm?", Snake grunts after he exhales the smoke he's been holding in. 

It's easy to see the movement of Kaz's unnaturally light eyes behind his aviators as he rolls them. "No. Well, yes.", he grunts before he continues. "I just - - your eye. The way it softens up when you look at my arm. My leg. Me. I see pity. It disgusts me and it makes me … disgust myself.".

Snake can't hold back a frown, a frown that darkens his whole face, the large and severe scars in his face moving along. "Do you think that I take pity on you just because you do?", his voice is low as he watches closely how his words sink into Kaz's skin, sink into Kaz's mind. "My eye changes when I look at you because, I don't know, maybe I care about you.", Snake's continues, obvious mockery in his voice. "But I don't take pity in you. Is that why you are avoiding people? Because they look at you in pity, just because you?".

A frown returns to Kaz's face, but disappears as swift as it appeared. Instead, the younger man sighs as he leans the crutch he hates so much against his remaining leg, satisfied as he balances it so it doesn't slip off. He now holds his free hand in front of Snake's face, who complies to the silent yet ever so familiar request. The older man takes another drag from his cigar before he places it between Kaz's gloved thumb and index-finger.

Kaz's hand wastes no time to lead the cigar to his lips, taking a long drag before breathing out the smoke in several small puffs, accompanying the last one it with a loud sigh. "It's a lot easier than actually … talking about it like we used to Especially after all these years.", Kaz says after a while, a slight chuckle following - in contrast to his face that forms a bitter frown, turning his mouth into a flat line. "Will this ... pain ever stop haunting us?". 

They are both staring at each other in silence, soft raindrops pouring down onto them. Snake's prosthetic hand reaches out for Kaz's face, who for once doesn't flinch away as the other man takes off his aviators, revealing his eyes, one of the many things that Kaz is so frustrated of. "No.", Snake answers as he lays his other hand onto Kaz's warm face, his thumb gently brushing over the bruise he had left under Kaz's eye. He can't help the impulse as he steps closer, kissing the oddly colored spot.

"Nothing of this will ever truly go away.".


End file.
